Post by froudy on Nov 21, 2015 13:32:10 GMT
News flashes:
- Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
- A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely
race related.
- Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
- I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.
- The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally
raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did
try to warn him.
- Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
- Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback
when I replied, "Facebook".
- Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end
in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
- Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
- Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a
small white area so I've called him Bradford.
- If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's Spam.
- They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
- I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in
Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers
the little bastards deserved it!
- When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a
cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
- Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
- A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely
race related.
- Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
- I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency.
- The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally
raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did
try to warn him.
- Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)
- Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard
asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback
when I replied, "Facebook".
- Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end
in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
- Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
- Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a
small white area so I've called him Bradford.
- If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's Spam.
- They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
- I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in
Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers
the little bastards deserved it!
- When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a
cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau